|
XxWishful_ThinkerxX
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: mandy
Country: United States
State: Maryland
Birthday: 9/27/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: of course my josh :) and art and music...
brand new, relient k,coheed and cambria, story of the year,motion city soundtrack, billy talent, afi, the ataris, senses fail, dashboard confessional, yellowcard, matchbook romance,stars hide fire,copeland, straylight run, nfg, old gc,.......
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/18/2003
|
|
| So I've decided to start writing these things again. I can't help but think that it may be therapeutic in some way. Maybe getting my thoughts out and in writing, they will leave me alone. I don't even care if anyone reads this. I sort of hope they don't. I set this to private; maybe someday I'll change it. I just don't want people to know what I think of them. Or what I think of my self. Maybe I do need to have them know. Screw it, this is now public. I don't even care; this website is so old that I'm sure know one reads it. If I get scared in the future, maybe I'll make some posts private.
So life kinda sucks now. It really shouldn't. I'm one semester away from graduating. I have a decent family, with enough money to support me and any necessary needs I have. I'm not buried in student loan debt or anything at least. I do have friends. More than when I first started this online journal/blog/whatever this is. But some things have changed since I started this back in high school.
I lost the one person who I could count on. Well, I didn't lose them. And technically, I can still count on him. I drove him away. Call it what you will, spread the blame, but that's what I did. Our relationship was far from the perfect dream I liked to think it was. I failed in a lot of ways. So he broke up with me. At the time, I wanted to die. Fall off the earth. Because it would mean I wouldn't feel pain. Wouldn't have to face the fact that my world was crumbling around me, and the one thing I thought I had as a foundation was gone. Erased. I was miserable. But I learned alot during that time. I learned to be a bit more independent. I learned to relax (some). I learned to not take things for granted. I learned to appreciate, and show it. I calmed down on the jealousy factor (at least some). As hard as the lessons were to learn, I needed to learn them. I'm a better person because of this dark time of my life.
So things were different. And it helped. We were so close. When it started looking like things would work out and we could be together again, I panicked. Things seemed great between us, but something still felt like it was wrong, or something was missing. It didn't feel like I thought it should. And I knew that if we got back together, that would be it. It would mean being in for the long run, ie: marriage.
Even writing that now kinda freaks me out. I'm too young to think about it. For the longest time, I pictured myself getting married shortly after college. Now I think I was crazy for ever wanting that. I guess I thought somewhere along the way, some great change would occur. I would suddenly wake up some day, and feel like a real adult. It hasn't happened yet. Yes, I am an adult. I can go to the bar. I can stay out as long as I want. I can go to Europe without a second thought. But the whole settling down thing...I'm not so sure anymore. I want to enjoy this time I guess. Enjoy being a "young adult". I'm afraid if I were to get married young, I would miss out. Miss out on those years, and replace them instead with boring "adult" things...like cleaning a house, cooking dinner and pumping out kids to pile into a minivan and drive to soccer practice. I was at the mall today, around screaming kids crawling on the floor at the food court. I was repulsed. It's terrible. I think I have zero motherly instincts. I am going to be the most controlling and paranoid parent ever. Scared of germs and doing something wrong that will permanently screw them up forever. How am I supposed to raise and shape another human being (or two) when I can't even straighten myself out?? It's entirely frustrating.
There's a thousand and one possible reasons for why I freaked. That's what I'm calling it. Because I don't know what else it was. It's not like a left either, oh no. I dragged it out. Painfully pulled him along for another 9 months or so. To this day, I still can't back off. It's pathetic really. I wanted it, why can't I face it? Why does it kill me to be away from him, or watch him move on when it's my fault that it's happening? It makes no sense at all. But that's me. I never do make sense. I keep trying to tell myself this is what is needed. See other people. See what else is out there. Maybe it will show me that I do want to be with him, and then things will work out. Maybe it will help me to appreciate him more. Of course my biggest fear is realizing this all at the moment he is standing at the altar- awaiting another woman to walk down the aisle. But I can't think that. If he finds someone else, then I guess that's what was meant to be. And hopefully it means there is someone out there for me. It's just hard to convince myself of that now.
I mean, on the surface it all makes sense. He's a great guy. He's nice. He's outgoing (which I need to pull myself out of the depths of social awkwardness). He's smart and motivated. He cares about me. We know each other completely..at least the parts that we know about our selves. I think he even knows the parts of myself that even I don't. We have alot in common (maybe not always politically but oh well). And the things we don't have in common..well it keeps things interesting. So I'll never understand his fascination with cars and he'll never understand why I get so excited watching HGTV or walking into an IKEA, but those are just who we are. I've even learned to love alot of the things that I used to think were strange or annoying about him. I love when he gets excited about some engineering principle or anything science-related for that matter. I don't care that its nerdy. I love watching his face light up and how he tries to explain it to me. I'll be honest, half the time I don't have a clue what he's talking about, but the point is he is passionate about it. I like that. I think its adorable when he gets nerdy. Most girls would be turned off but ..well it's the opposite for me. I think its the fact that he has something he can get so excited about. I sometimes think if i do that. And what is it that I do that about? Hmm.
But the thing is, I can't live with "on the surface". Something didn't feel right. The fact that I even had doubts scared me. If we were going to be together, especially because this would be it, I didn't want to feel that way. And that was a lot of pressure. We discussed it. We could get married. We could live together, raise a family. But would we be happy is the question. Would we be fulfilled, and not just robots performing functions. It would work, but would the emotion all be there?
I think I crushed him with all of this. For the longest time, this was what I wanted. And the second he starts having the same dreams, I pull away. I can still see his face, over and over, sinking. Crushed. Devastated. Hearing his dreams and images of us together only killed me more. Pumpkin patches. God, how good that sounds. How happy and perfect. But I guess that's the problem. I was afraid it wouldn't be. And I want so badly for it to be. I know I do it. I set impossible standards. I know life isn't a fairytale, but gosh how much I want it to be.
I know it will hurt. It already has. To think of him with someone else..it kills me. But I have to let him go. I can't hold him here while I try to sort myself out. It's not fair. And it hurts us. We hurt each other. I just hope he doesn't lose himself during all of this. I don't want him to change. It sounds terrible. But I want him to be the same, so if I come back it could be like nothing changed. But that's so stupid. It wouldn't be like that. There will be other people. There already has been. I have to accept that, and not let it ruin things. But it does hurt. I don't want him to change who he is on the inside, give up things about himself. Because those are what I admire and respect in him. Besides, he's the only one left. I need someone else on that front with me.
To make all of this worse, my social support circle is weakening. Family life has been difficult. It's bad when this house doesn't feel like a home anymore. And that may be overexaggerating. But sometimes I feel that way. I spend the vast majority of my time in my room. Thinking. And that's bad. Thinking too much is one of my greater faults. I need distractions. And when my family is dispersed throughout different rooms, not being together, its difficult. And we just see alot of things differently. It's hard to adjust to that after living on my own (sorta). It scares me. Because I'm supposed to be living here after I graduate and get back from Europe. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. That I'll go crazy or something. I just want to give them all a wake up call. The health concerns are the biggest. The fighting and lack of commitment are the icing on the cake. Add in a boyfriend who think he lives here, and its a episode for Dr. Phil. Alright, I need to stop being so dramatic. It's really not that bad. I guess I'm just afraid of it getting to that point. And I certainly don't want to have to witness that. I've got enough other things to deal with.
Job searching sucks. I've been unable to find an internship these past semesters. I've got one left, and still nothing yet. I just want some stinking experience! Something to help me for an even more difficult job search when I graduate. Plus, I need something to pay for expenses. I want to be more financially independent. Handle some more expenses. And if I really do need to move out from the house, I want to be able to do so. I have savings, but that has been decreasing with payments for Europe and spending money when none is coming in. Not working this break certainly isn't helping. And the crappy economy is just the cherry on top. I'm graduating in one of the worst economic times we've had in awhile. Into a crappy field. That's a whole other story though.
I really need to cut down on the spending this upcoming semester. A paycheck of 70 dollars a week doesn't help to offset the nights out on the town. Those are going to have to be greatly reduced. I got so excited for turning 21, not realizing how much it would impact my bank account. Having fun costs. Big surprise. I guess fun needs to be cut back. Great. Right when I need it the most. And right when I should be relishing it. It's my freaking senior year. I want to be able to enjoy it. But I need to balance that with being responsible. Being an adult sucks. What kid/teenager in their right mind wants to get to this point as fast as possible? Stay young. You have more fun, believe me.
So that's where I stand now. There's plenty more to discuss, and I'm sure I will. I'm tired of holding it in. I'm tired of venting to the one person who shouldn't have to hear it. And because I'm not close enough to other people to dump it on them, and because I have yet to work up the nerve to go to therapy for real, this will have to do. At least it's free, doesn't talk back, and will be hear every single time I need it. All things I need right now. | | |
| I haven't made one of these in awhile. But I think it could be good for me do these again. It's kind of theraputic. I need some of that now. I'm so behind in everything. Somewhere along the way this semester I made one wrong move and everything snowballed. Now I feel like I'm drowning. I'm just lost in about every aspect of myself at this point. Past, present and future. I guess I'm feeling like I always thought of myself a certain way and I thought that was good enough but apparently not. Theres so many things I wish I could change, but I'm afraid of what kind of things would result. Altering the past would be weird. I wonder if I would still be here, or if my life would be completely different. I don't regret ending up here. It's the people that keep me here. But I certainly messed up with my major. Now im just lost. No ideas. Some days I'm full of ideas and theres so many things I want to do. Other days theres nothing I want to do, and I lack any motivation. I don't want to continue on like this, I want to figure out what I want so I can go for it. I feel like i've ruined alot of things about my college experience because of this. I don't want to waste opportunites or time. I don't want to end up here longer than 4 years. I just hope I figure it out. | | |
| well i'm in college now. it feels....surreal. i could never imagine being here. its such a strange feeling. i feel like im on vacation and that i'm just going to be home in a few days....sigh i wish. i can feel the homesickness sinking in...sigh. i miss my family. i miss my room. i miss my doggie....uhoh i need to stop.
my room is pretty cool. pretty spacious for a dorm. its nice.
tired as anything, moving in, lugging all the stuff in, running around, and meeting about 500 people. sigh im worn out now...
being a college kid is tough lol. | | |
| oopsie...i've forgotten to update....again. sorry yall.
well ocean city was a blast. soooo much fun. i had forgotten how much i loved the beach. the house turned out to be not sooo bad but not as nice as i'm sure the one we were supposed to have would have been (which ironically finished the day we checked out...with an opening for that week! if only we could have stayed...) good friends + good beach = good times. yes indeed. i vote we make this a yearly thing. beach, food, margaritas (okay SIPS of margaritas), chips n salsa, the OC on dvd, scategories, miniature golfing, "ghetto music", dumser's, secrets, the boardwalk, and of course...moo cheese wow. ahh the memories.
so yea i know i didnt update all this sooner it's just been a crazy week. been working and then shadow had his operation  we picked him up yesterday and he's been hurting and crying since. it makes me sad cause i don't know what to do to console him. sigh. i'll be glad when the pain wears off and then we just have to deal with the cast. poor puppy
went to go get my hair colored and cut today, only to get there and find out i was scheduled for just a haircut. arrrghhh. so i have to go back to have it colored on monday. which stinks. it came out okay, i was long overdue for a haircut. i just want to get my roots touched up before i leave..
yea i have two weeks left in the 'dorf. in two weeks i will be sleeping in a bed at erickson hall (score i got the good dorm!). i got my housing assignments when i got back and my roomates seem really nice. we have a lot in common. except the fourth girl apparently isn't staying so i'm not sure who is going to be the other one. but yes my roomate and my suitemate seem quite promising. yay!
and this week...i got my laptop! i am now typing to you from it. it takes some adjusting because i've never had a mac before, and it took awhile and some help from josh's dad to get used to it and to get my internet working. but i am quite thrilled.
so my dad is away in vegas for military stuff for the next two weeks and doesnt get back till the night before i leave. so that will be interesting. and i still have so much stuff to do to get ready. argghh i don't want to leave home. siiiiiigghhhh. i'm not ready to be a college kid. sigh. i'm a bit scared..... | | |
| so yeah i kinda never update on here sigh. i apologize but i dont think anyone really reads this anyways. i'm on my myspace more often soo..
work has been quite good. yup. lots of filing though, so it's papercut city on my hands.  but it's all good, anything for the money.
josh is in pittsburgh sigh. and i'm here. and then he comes back saturday. but i'm in bethany beach. sigh. sigh. so that means two weeks of no josh. the upside? in exactly one month we will be able to see each other (almost) whenever we want. that's right kiddies in one month i am the resident of UMBC. still don't know roomate or room assignments but its all good, it shall happen soon.
rant: so i got my AP scores. remember how i kinda worked my butt off all year for those classes? yea 3 on both. which means it was kinda pointless. because now i still have to take the classes in college for credit. which means i can't place out of freshmen comp. that i had planned on. which means i have to wait before i can take any other english classes. so yeah. pretty bummed about that. i want to know how close i was to a 4. sigh.
another rant: looks like warped tour is out this year. i mean i can go.....but i dont have anyone to go WITH. josh's parents wont let him go cause i'm driving, and there are no available parental units to take us. so alas, i'm without my partner in crime. and there's no way i'm going to warped tour alone, thats suicide right there. maybe i'll just skip it this year, there's probably too many preteens going anyway. and josh did semi-promise to take me to see shows in the fall sooo. we'll see. i really did want to make it an annual thing but sigh.
and another rant: so i'm going to the beach on saturday. the house we rented was gonna be a new house. but here's the catch: its not done yet. so we got moved to another house. not as nice. kinda stinks. but i guess i'll just spend my time on the beach or at the boardwalk. oh and i think i'm driving up whoo. not sure who all is riding with me but as long as they can take an overload of relient k and they've got some navigational skills, its all good.
so if i dont update this for awhile, i've gone beachin. later surfer dudes.
Ocean city or bust..... | | |
|
